I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
