One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize