its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You ate ashes out of my bong
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
