I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
