I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
