Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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