It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
