I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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