I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
