You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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