I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
