Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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