someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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