Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize