I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
