It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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