I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
