My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
