He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
it's not cheating when I paid for it
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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