guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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