he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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