I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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