STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
