I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
