3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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