my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
