My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
