the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
