I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
