I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
