Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
