Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She's the barista slut.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
false alarm, still single
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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