My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
