mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
