My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
