Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize