Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
