Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
