I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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