barbara walters just said penis...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Pooping to opera.
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