if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
