Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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