It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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