bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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