He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize