Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
