watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So apparently I’m into choking now
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
