that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
