Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
