wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize