i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
