one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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