Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
