so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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