sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
