Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize