he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
