i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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