i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
this hospital has no fireball
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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