For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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