Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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