Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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