It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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