3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
