So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize