I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
