haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
