I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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