Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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