Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
