i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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