i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
