I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
