I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
