Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
