omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
smell my finger.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
