I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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